it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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