So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
