Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize