Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
