I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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