i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
