im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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