I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He shit in the fireplace
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
