theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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