I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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