I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
