Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
