I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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