Only a mothe r could love this liver
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
