what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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