if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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