Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
