last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
