my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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