just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
