I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
