So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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