Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
