Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm too high and old for this...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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