I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
