There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
