So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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