It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize