filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
