I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I want her autograph on my taint
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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