Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
