can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
