i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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