a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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