my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
