I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
