my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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