Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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