you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
