at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
