dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
