how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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