I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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