i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
