I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
