i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
