i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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