well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
tell me about the eggs
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
