I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
