god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
