The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
