tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
