The best revenge is premature balding
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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