Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
