At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
