There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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