I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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