Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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