I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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