can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize