He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
