can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
