apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
