Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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